Comedy can be rough or "ruff!" Sometimes, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

Hello, folks. In this post, I impersonate a comedian. The jury is still out as to whether I impersonated a journalist for almost 30 years. Here we go.

My neighbor,  Charlotte Webb, was walking her Jack Webb (no relation) terrier named Friday at Salem Yacht Club.

 Jack Webb terriers bark in a monotone. "Justa fax! Woof! Justa Fax! Ruff! They display no emotions or feelings.

 I said to Charlotte, "Friday is so handsome, you could change his name to 'Bark' Gable."

I detected a minuscule smirk. On the dog. Not her.

Most of the third paragraph really happened, but with fictitious names. I made the rest of this up.  

I asked her if I could borrow a rubber thingy to put around my Tupperware. 

She said, "Frankly, Pete Healy. I don't give a band."

It gets worse.

A rabid raccoon bit Friday on a Thursday and he developed a severe case of acid reflux. Charlotte took him to a local veterinarian, Dr. Kattie McSpaniel. 

Dr. McSpaniel's assistant, Shutterfly McScream,  examined the dog. 

Charlotte asked Shutterfly, "What can you do for my baby? My dear little Bark!"

"I don't know nuthin' 'bout burpin' rabies,  Miss Charlotte."

 Dr. McSpaniel burst into the examining room. Or she walked in if you prefer a cliche-free verb.

"I'll handle it from here, Shutterfly."

McSpaniel: "Oh, what a crowd! What a crowd! You are a wonderful crowd!  Don't forget to tip the waiters and waitresses on your way out."

 You wanted something funny and non-racist? You got neither. 

You can blame Muhammad Ali. After a loss to Larry Holmes in 1980, the heavyweight and vastly overweight Ali was rebranding his image. He said something like, "I am so handsome. I am so pretty. I grew a mustache. I'm Dark Gable!"

 He added, "Pete Healy's corner better throw in the towel. In fact, he needs more towels than the entire inventory at Bed Bath & Beyond. Did he really quit the senior men's club choir so he can focus on writing this god-awful schlock? What is he, meshuggeneh?"

What have we here? "Dragnet" meets "Gone with the Wind"? Yes. And the routine succeeded about as well as a vegetarian at the Donner Party. Or as well as Pete Healy as a journalist.   

Here's a quick history lesson. The Donner Party wagon train got stranded in the snow in the Sierra Nevada in 1846-47. They ran out of food and resorted to cannibalism. Since then, a lot of comedians have done Donner routines. Mine are original. They are always "well done" and in "good taste." My audience "eats them up." More Donner Party jokes "are coming right up" (ding) in a future post. Would you like fries with that?

 

                                                       -30-